Bon Voyage Artista Virtuosa

"I'm done being a virtuous artist."

I don't know why, but my writing feels blocked. I'm having issues just putting pen to paper and I want to cry. Is it about enough time, or am I afraid of what is going to come out? Is the adult in me trying to run the show again? I just want to have fun, so I create. When thoughts about posting and potential views or lack of views, I freeze. I restrain myself! I recoil and pull-up on the reins of exploration. The gaze of others scares the crap out of me. No wonder I have issues around sharing and selling my art. All of this overthinking, spirals into blocked-not-even-producing-art-at-all periods when depression lingers. The fear of rejection swells inside of me as the echoes of unkind words and gazes of the past swirl through my mind. So, I put on my virtuous artist smile and paint another perpetual beginner's painting, hoping these puerile attempts might afford me some kind of validation.

Recognizing a series of mistakes taken as an evolving person and artist, I wonder if I may have ruined any future. Recognizing what didn't work or fit in the past six months allows me to realize those who have not been supportive and the limiting beliefs that have held me back. I can move forward forgiving myself and them for the cycle that has developed. Pulling away to join those who I do share a common thread of life with; I move towards my purpose. Releasing my old life and the need of the virtuous artist I unfold myself to allow a raw-edgier artist to take the reigns and explore.

I fear this raw-edgier artist within me. She's fearless and doesn't hold back from accomplishing her dreams. There's no part of me that doesn't love her but she's the spitfire spunk that I'm known for. She isn't one to shy away from a challenge but she has a voice that refuses to be muted. I have dealt with the stairs, glares and rebuttals of disgust when she parades into a room ready to accomplish her mission.

"The real challenge this warrior within seems to face, is the allegations of being a narcissist for choosing to pursue meaningful purpose driven art."

The real challenge this warrior within seems to face, is the allegations of being a narcissist for choosing to pursue meaningful purpose driven art. The virtuous artist stays within the lines so everyone feels comfortable. The raw-edgier spitfire artist within me tells the truth unapologetically, answers only to herself and is willing to do the confrontational thing. Motivated by high morals and humanitarian values, she does not hold back when injustice permeates through the air in wafts of toxicity. In her pursuit to inspire change and evolution there are bound to be a few offended. The first step exposing this raw-edgier spitfire involves the offending of her captures, that prefer the stunted virtuous artist she once was. She must go forward, unapologetically telling the truth so she can be liberated. Does this make her a narcissist? It depends on who you ask.

I'm done being a virtuous artist. I resolve going forward; no more pretty paintings and virtuous art. Peace, kindness and love are all valid and ultimately represent what I want to see in the world. But all the altruistic expression leaves a blind eye to the degradation that continues to plague our world. I want my art and videos to recognize the pain in the world. I want to find a way to vocalize my anger at the world that allows people to apply for Death with Dignity because of a mental illness. I want to put a lens on that truth and the backwards way of handling it. I want to correct the system that chastises those who they deem broken as untreatable and unfixable.

Untreatable? Unfixable? We are not unfixable. We just cannot bend to the time frame you demand this world turns at. We have to adjust and adapt as the ivy vine climbs up the tree trunk towards the sun just to feel the warmth on its leaves too.

Releasing my virtuous artist to explore and venture into the uncharted territories, she will be transformed. She will learn to stop holding back and will allow the raw-edgier spitfire to come out and express herself. My intuition inside me tells me by liberating my virtuous artist and embracing my raw-edgier spitfire artist, inner peace between the two horns of the same goat will transpire. My inner artist will unapologetically be expressed.